Empowering Reading: The Joy Imperfect Love Book Review

The Joy of Imperfect Love: The Art of Creating Healthy, Securely Attached Relationships, by Carla Marie Manly, Ph.D. (2024). ISBN: 1641709057.

If you are looking for an uplifting, powerful, and transformative missive that could change the trajectory of your life, this is the book you have been waiting to read. And as you begin to embrace the concept of imperfect love, you will find more joy, empathy, and integrity for yourself and your loved ones.

Do you love yourself? Do you truly and deeply love yourself? And how are your relationships? Love is at the core of it all – not the fantastical or fairy tale version of perfect love we may dream of, but the best imperfect love we can develop.

As humans, we need both self-love and the love of others.

The best news? Because we now understand that the brain can grow and change throughout our lives, we have the ability to break those negative scripts and thought patterns often caused by past trauma and reprogram our brains through exercises that enhance neuroplasticity. In other words, our pasts do not dictate our futures.

I had the good fortune of a delightful conversation with the author of this book, Dr. Carla Marie Manly, who also hosts a podcast entitled Imperfect Love. She is a lovely person with so much wisdom and knowledge to share. She defines love as “a fundamental mixture of compassion, empathy, devotion, kindness, fidelity, integrity, and respect for the self and others.”

Dr. Manly’s book, The Joy of Imperfect Love, is inspiring and is an excellent choice for anyone seeking to improve their relationships – with themselves and with friends and partners. This book shows readers that love is more about investing in these connections than the ideal and fairytale version of perfect love.

As someone whose mantra is “actions speak louder than words,” I love the author’s take: “We communicate love in many ways through the use of thoughts, words, and actions. I believe that pure love takes great care to show love and to live love, by consciously choosing loving thoughts, words, and actions.”

The book is divided into three parts: Defining and explaining the power and science behind imperfect self-love; bringing the concept of imperfect love into our relationships; and a powerful appendix of exercises to deepen one’s understanding and implementation of imperfect love.

As someone who desires for everyone to embark on a healing journey and move past old trauma wounds, I absolutely loved the first part of her book, which is about loving ourselves and reads like a set of guidelines for a healing journey. We cannot expect to give or receive love unless we deeply love ourselves, which can be difficult because of past trauma.

Dr Manly writes: “While we cannot control how others treat us in the world of love, we can control how we treat ourselves in this realm. While we can’t undo harm done in the past, we can learn to heal and do things differently in the future. As we craft greater self-love, we can learn that safety, respect, and love must first come from within.”

As I read the book, I wondered how many of us get lost in the concept of perfection, especially that elusive “perfect” love. Have you ever watched those Hallmark holiday movies? They are about finding that magical, “perfect” love… and I worry how many people are addicted to these movies while their personal relationships suffer from the comparison. The author states: “Imperfect love is one of the greatest gifts – if not the greatest gift – we will ever come to know as humans.”

Dr. Manly clearly lays out her mission: “Throughout this journey, you’ll discover how to create more of the wonderful love-oriented behaviors you desire while you diminish the unhealthy love-related behaviors that leave you feeling alone, hurt, misunderstood, and defeated.”

Part one of the book, which focuses on the concept of imperfect self-love (and a healing journey), includes the following chapters:

• The Science of Imperfect Love, covering the idea that love is learned and that our brains are hardwired to seek – to need – love.

• The Complexity of Imperfect Love, which focuses on the idea that imperfect love is action – showing others love through loving actions.

• Knowing and Embracing Your Imperfect Self, centered on the concept of acceptance and feeling at home in your own skin and your individuality.

• Imperfectly Loving Yourself From Inside Out, which discusses the idea that imperfectly loving oneself is truly a lifelong undertaking that leads to self-love.

• The Gifts of Imperfect Love, examining the idea that self-love is not a goal, but a journey that brings gifts, including feelings, thoughts, mindsets, energy, and actions.

• The Negative Scripts That Divide Us, which contains a discussion of the 19 most common negative scripts that often work against us and the healthy and unhealthy mindsets related to each.

For people struggling with self-love, as I did for decades after several traumatic events and experiences during childhood, this book provides a roadmap for healing. This quote speaks volumes: “Love, or its absence in our lives, affects who we are from the day we are born. The presence and quality of love truly matter. When ‘love’ is neglectful, conditional, or absent, we deteriorate. We don’t need – or even want – an idealistic, perfect love that flattens our ability to grow. We want – and need – the force of strong, imperfect love to guide us toward our better selves as individuals and in relationships. We deserve to internalize the truth that we are both imperfect and lovable.”

Part two of the book, which focuses on bringing imperfect love into our relationships, includes the following chapters:

• The Power of Genuine Friendship, focusing on the idea that every healthy relationship is built on a foundation of true friendship, and each genuine friendship is built on seven pillars.

• The Power of Clear and Honest Relationship Ethics, which is a system of principles that guide how we make decisions and lead our lives, and which foster harmony.

• The Power of Emotional Intelligence, stressing the need to embrace a willingness to be vulnerable, utilizing emotional intelligence (self-awareness, self-control, empathy, interpersonal skills, and self-development motivation).

• The Power of Connective Communication and Healthy Conflict, examining the power of deep listening and being heard, dismantling our defenses, and diving into heartfelt communications.

• Sexual Intimacy: The Physical and Emotional Conversation of Love, which dives into the most sacred aspect of romantic relationships: sexual intimacy, sharing each other’s souls.

• The Care and Feeding of Imperfect Love, recognizing that loving relationships are precious and sacred, but also noting that the maintenance of these relationships should be seen as a blessing.

Here’s a favorite quote from her book: “Every genuine intimate relationship is built on a healthy foundation of an enduring friendship that offers mutual investment, respect, honesty, kindness, compassion, wise acceptance, and shared vulnerabilities.”

I give The Joy of Imperfect Love a hearty recommendation for all. We all need healthy love – first for ourselves, and then for and from others. If you are struggling with this concept of love, especially if you feel things from your past may be interfering with your ability to love yourself or love others.

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